I wrote this such a long time ago and I never hit publish. But after talking to some friends this weekend who ALSO had a hard time BFing, I decided it was important to share my story because before our various complications, none of us were aware of the different problems new moms face when it comes to nursing. I think we are all so focused on what the labor and delivery is going to be like that we gloss over the chapter about nursing. So here's the rest of my story. And remember, no matter how you feed your baby, the bottom line is that you are feeding your baby!!
Ahh let's see. Where did I leave off? I believe I was just getting into some kind of rhythm with pumping and feeding. Which was working, for a little while.
We finally bit the bullet and got Abby's tongue tie clipped (around 8-9 weeks I believe). We should have done it immediately when she was born. Looking back, I regret this and I think our breast feeding relationship could have lasted longer had we done this sooner. I think it could have also been less traumatic for Abby. Although, I hardly call 20 minutes of crying "traumatic". We went to a really good ENT in the area. He took a look at her mouth, had Joey hold her on his lap, and after trying to catch her wiggly tongue (again- taking a younger baby would have been better), snip snip and it was done. She cried her eyes out but honestly she cried harder when she got her shots. She was really just pissed that somebody was holding gauze in her mouth. Once the bleeding stopped (5-10 mins I'd say) she was passed out in her carseat and we went home. We expected her to have pain when she woke up. She didn't even notice. It healed SUPER quick and she can stick her tongue out so far now!
Once the tongue tie was fixed, breast feeding was no longer painful. WHY did I wait so long to do this?! Because it was no longer painful, I started to nurse more and pump less. And any time you switch up what you are doing, your body gets confused and you can get sick. Which I did. I got mastitis, AGAIN. This time, I had a really bad infection. I had a very high fever that made me nauseous, chills, severe pain, etc. I had to call my doctor to get antibiotics in the middle of the night on a weekend. I was told to keep nursing because the infected milk ducts needed to be cleared. I tried EVERYTHING to clear them, to no avail. I went back to exclusive nursing for an entire week. Looking back, I'm really glad I did that because it gave me one last chance to try it.
I went to my doctor for a follow up after a week of antibiotics, exclusive nursing and worrying about a lump that I found. They sent me to the hospital to a radiologist for an ultrasound on my breast to make sure the lump wasn't anything to be concerned about. It wasn't, and I have since been back for a follow up just in case. Talk about a terrifying experience, though.
With less than two weeks to go until I went back to work, I made the extremely difficult and emotional decision to stop breast feeding. I cried A LOT, I went back and forth, I wondered if I was doing the right thing, the wrong thing, if I was wasting a perfectly good supply of milk, etc. I was planning on gradually stopping but after skipping a couple nursing sessions in a row, I decided I was quitting cold turkey like my doctors had advised. I'm glad I didn't know that my last nursing session was going to be my last one ever.
Quitting cold turkey with a good supply is the most painful thing I've ever experienced. I think it hurt less to birth a child than it did in that first 24 hours. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't even lay down. For about 4 days I had really bad pain. After that it just gradually hurt less and less.
I don't really want to think about or talk about my decision to stop that much because it was a really painful thing for me to accept. I always said I would give it the old college try and I did. The first time we gave her a bottle with formula mixed in it she was 11 weeks old. I made Joey give it to her because I just couldn't bear to do it. Guess what? She totally survived. When she was 14 weeks, we started on 100% formula. I was all nervous about it but she didn't even blink when we gave her a "test bottle". I honestly don't think she cares. This baby is so ridiculously easy going, which has in turn made my decision SO much easier to swallow.
I had to make this decision for my own health. Happy mom, happy baby. And I was not happy. Breast feeding was consuming me. It was all I could think about. I couldn't get through a single day without having some kind of issue or worry. I am hopeful, though, that I will have the opportunity to breast feed again and that next time I will be better prepared with all that I have learned.
~SG
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